I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you traded sex for a burrito?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sorry about my life...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
