Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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