thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
