I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
