An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
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I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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