I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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