She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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