Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
