Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
