Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
This couple is walking their pig around campus
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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