just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
