help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
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My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
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WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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