One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
