I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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