Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
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He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
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I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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