OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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