Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
