u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
