i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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