I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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