I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just made my gag reflex go away.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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