did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Someone shattered a urinal.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
