we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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