does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
