Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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