the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
