im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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