Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
