Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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