Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
