Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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