just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
