Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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