I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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