If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
