i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
