that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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