I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
