i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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