Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
