Having a random hookup so left but love u
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
