Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
