The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
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I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
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Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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