Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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