You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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