Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
