Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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