Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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