I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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