Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
