My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
