you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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