At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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