I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
