he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just puked most of my soul out..
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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