Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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