my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
