You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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